When our infertility struggles began in 2011, we didn't tell very many people. We told our immediate family and I told two close friends who were also struggling with infertility. Praise the Lord for those friendships! I believe I was in denial. I truly thought our journey would be short lived and we would be pregnant soon, so why tell. But months passed quickly and before we knew it we were at an infertility specialist facing serious fertility problems and major treatments. Our lives were consumed with doctor's appointments, blood work, ultra sounds, and trips out of town. (Side Note: When we first began seeing our doctor we lived in a small town a little more than an hour from our RE's office in Houston. He came to our town once a week to see patients but we still spent a lot of time on the road traveling to his main office.) I began to feel like I was living a double life and keeping this huge secret...well I was. At church on Sunday friends would ask how my week went. I remember so clearly giving blank stares, stumbling over my words, and giving a very weak "Oh fine, just the normal stuff." with a forced smile on my face. When in reality I was hurting and facing the BIGGEST struggle thus far in my life. We were spending all of our free time, all of our money, all of our energy doing fertility treatments with no success. We missed parties with friends, bible studies, work, and church to be at the doctor for timed ultra sounds or give myself timed shots or be on bed rest from a transfer. All the while friends just thought we were 'busy' or 'out of town'. On top of the immense struggle we were facing with our infertility, keeping the secret made it even harder...we felt so alone!
Why didn't we tell others? I don't think I really knew how to talk about it. I was very emotional about it and felt I would cry when telling someone else. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and awkward. I didn't want others to feel sorry for us. I didn't want pregnant friends or those already with kids to feel strange around me. So we kept quite, but it was miserable. Honestly, besides family and close friends we didn't even tell everyone that our son was conceived through IVF. I remember while pregnant a friend asked me if our pregnancy was planned (BTW never ask anyone that). Um yes, very VERY planned, as planned as you can get!
Slowly as time passed and people asked we began to just be honest. There is such freedom in honestly. The weight of the struggle began to lift, the burden of our secret got lighter, and the loneliness slowly slipped away. Now that we have one child nearing the age of 3, people's favorite question is, "So when are you having another child?" (BTW, another bad question to ask someone). And now I just tell them the honest truth. We are desperately praying that God blesses us with another child. We conceived our son through IVF. We have been doing more fertility treatments for another child but have had several losses this past year. Just by simply being honest I have been so blessed. Friends have opened up and told me about their struggles and losses they have kept secret. From being open I have learned that infertility and pregnancy loss unfortunately affects way more people than I ever knew....I truly am not alone! Friends have reached out to cover us in prayer and positive encouragement. For me being honest and open has been so healing. I have joined an infertility support group through my church. A safe place to openly talk about how infertility has affected me, the scars and wounds it has left. It's a place to connect with other women walking the same path. Because I am open to sharing our story I have connected on a deeper level with friends struggling in the same way that I never knew were and I have met new women that I would have never met otherwise. Sharing our story and being a voice for others struggling with infertility has truly blessed and strengthened me. And I pray by sharing my story I can bless and encourage others.
So to the woman that silently took another negative pregnancy test this morning....I understand your hurt. To the woman that saw another empty ultra sound...I've been there. To the woman who is just starting fertility treatments...I know the fears you are facing. To the woman that celebrated a much anticipated pregnancy only to suddenly lose it...I've experienced your horrendous pain, I'm grieving with you. To the woman spending all your free time and money at the doctor....I understand what you feel like you are missing. To the woman that is scared to tell others due to shame and embarrassment...I've been there and so have many many others. I completely understand that blogging about your infertility is not for most people. But I do encourage you to slowly start sharing, just one person at a time. You may not always be received positively. Some people don't know what to do or say, it can be awkward. But you will also find great freedom, support, and encouragement. You will learn that you are not alone as you find others willing to say 'me too'! I encourage you to find a support group where you feel comfortable and safe openly sharing the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of infertility. Be a voice for infertility and make others aware that it's a disease we fight daily. It has the power to steal so much from us, but it doesn't have to! With 1 in 8 couples facing infertility, we are not alone!
Click the links below to learn more about infertility and RESOLVE'S NIAW:
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