Well, this transfer did result in a pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy. I miscarried at 6 weeks. I didn't even know that an ectopic pregnancy was possible with IVF. Unfortunately it is possible, although rare! Ectopic pregnancies can be very dangerous with ruptured tubes and internal bleeding. It was very strange going from excitement over a baby we had prayed endlessly for to worrying that the pregnancy was putting my health in danger. We switched from praying for a healthy pregnancy to praying that the pregnancy would end quickly and without complications. Thankfully, I miscarried without losing a tube or anything worse. However, I did not miscarry quickly. It took a LONG 6 weeks and literally dozens of blood checks for my hormones to finally return back to normal. I believe I had my HCG level (pregnancy hormone) checked 18 times in a six week span....I lovingly call it HCG hell. :-) I got to know the sweet ladies in the laboratory too well!
So, the past couple of weeks my heart has been sad thinking about this precious life we lost. This baby's due date was December 15th, which means he/she would be about 4 months old. One hard thing about infertility, failed treatment cycles, or pregnancy loss are the dates that become burned into your mind. You never forget. Every time those days come and go it's a reminder of milestones you are missing, dreams for your family that didn't come to fruition, and hopeful plans shattered. I never imagined one year later we would still be struggling to grow our family, never.
I frequently make secret plans in my head to calm the anxiousness I feel with the passage of time. For example, after our ectopic pregnancy I always thought I'd be pregnant by the time the due date rolled around. I wasn't. In fact, on the due date of December 15th I had just finished miscarrying for a second time. When close friends announce a pregnancy I usually think surely I'll be pregnant by the time her baby is due and our children will be close in age. Well, many of those babies are approaching their first birthday's. And I definitely thought I would be pregnant one year after our ectopic pregnancy. News flash, I'm still not pregnant. Anyone else struggling with infertility play this same mind game with yourself? It really can drive you crazy! Although making these secret plans is my first reaction to calm my anxiousness I have found it only drives my feelings of envy and jealously. This mind game of secret plans often leaves me feeling empty, hurt, and self-pitied especially when they fail, which this past year has been 100% of the time.
I do not understand why God has allowed this past year to go the way it has. I do not understand why God has not blessed us with another child. The reality is I may never understand, but the beautiful thing is that it is not my job to understand. My only job is to cling unswervingly to my Savior as He works out His perfect and sovereign plan for my life. So when I begin to make 'secret plans' rooted in comparison that ALWAYS fall short, I like to remember that God's plan for other's lives are not His plan for my life. If I live each day comparing my family to others we will fall short and miss being used by Christ in this life and fulfilling our purpose. He has created a uniquely beautiful and special story for me and my family so that we can be used by Him. Though I do not understand this part of our story, the infertility and pregnancy loss, I find peace in knowing that God confidently knows our WHOLE story. Our lives are not happening by chance but have been masterfully planned by Christ. In the midst of this trail remembering that brings me great joy!
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